Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

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One hundred and fifty MILLION adults in this country living in precarious financial situations is NOT an issue with individual boundaries, Nedra. IT IS SYSTEMIC. Nggak cuma sekali, tapi berkali-kali ditanya hal serupa. Selain jadi mbak kantoran, aku juga mengelola komunitas, & (otw) menjadi kreator konten buku/bookfluencer. Right? It’s really up to you because you will have to deal with how that estrangement feels, and it, it will be sad. It will be sometimes a loss, but sometimes it's a relief to not be in some of these unhealthy family relationships. But many people believe, like, if we're not close, then that's problematic. And it's like, no. You get to choose your level of interaction with anyone. If you don't have a close relationship with a sibling, it doesn't mean that you don't have a relationship. It means you don't have a close relationship. But with in-laws, there's this expectation that because this person is, you know, maybe an elder, that they have this information about how to be in relationships with other people. And it's not true when you're dating someone; their family has their own cultural stuff going on, and you're stepping into that and it's like, your job is not really to change their whole system and to point out enmeshment and to point out who's favored.

Set Boundaries, Find Peaceis a down-to-earth and practical guide on fully realizing your potential and giving yourself the freedom you deserve by clearly setting healthy boundaries in your personal and professional life, friendships, and relationships. Eye-opening and thoroughly engaging.” Shortform note: When correcting unwanted behaviors, some authors suggest that taking a positive approach to the conversation will make it easier for the other person to accept your boundaries. Avoid scolding the other person; instead, express your confidence in them, and encourage them to do better next time.) And when that is the case, you are not making an easy decision. And as you make that decision, you know, I do think that the grief is part of the process and it's not anything you can rush. There will be, you know, moments in the year, anniversary dates where you may think about the person. There may be, you know, certain songs or different things that happen at family gatherings that cause you to think about the person. With addiction, I think Al-Anon is a wonderful, supportive space and community for people who have family members with addiction issues because there is so much manipulation and codependency, and if I don't do this then, or it's my fault because that you have to work yourself out of, to even show up for this person. Shortform note: Tawwab offers recommendations for setting boundaries with loved ones and at work, but sometimes you may encounter someone who makes boundary-setting difficult outside of those contexts. When communicating boundaries with a difficult person, experts recommend focusing on yourself and your personal limits, and not on the other person. When you focus on yourself in the conversation, the other person is less likely to feel confronted. In turn, they’ll be more receptive than if you begin the conversation by criticizing their behavior.) Setting Boundaries With Loved OnesSetting boundaries with yourself involves exercising the discipline to be able to say no to yourself. For example, imagine trying to finish a key work assignment while your family group chat is in the middle of a heated argument. By setting a boundary with yourself to avoid looking at your phone until your assignment is finished, you’ll be able to work free from distractions. Shortform note: If you’re faced with toxic behavior at work that can’t be solved by setting boundaries, there are other actions you can take to defend yourself. Specifically, if you believe you’re being discriminated against at work, you can file a claim with a government agency such as the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC). Agencies such as the EEOC exist to ensure that workers are treated fairly and can help you access workplace protections and legal recourse if necessary.) Boundary Violations Yes, because no one on Earth is forced to live and interact with their abusive parents or spouse or other relative because they can’t afford not to.

Lastly, Tawwab stresses that you should try not to blame yourself when your boundaries are violated. Instead, take pride in the fact that you’re doing the hard work of setting and reasserting your boundaries. No matter how much effort you put into setting healthy boundaries, some people may still choose not to respect them. When someone chooses to behave in a way that makes you uncomfortable, it reflects negatively on their character, and not on yours. Each time that that happens, when there's someone you're clearly setting a boundary with… “Don’t do this thing. This is how I want you to do whatever.” We look at them disrupting that boundary as it must be a crisis. That's why they showed up unannounced. It must be a crisis. That's why they're calling right now. Um, I heard a comedian, Yvonne Orji, talk about wanting to become an actress, and she was in college and her pa—she's Nigerian, and her parents were like, “Oh, no. Like you, you must become a doctor. You must go to school for this thing.” Not every workplace conflict can be solved by boundary-setting. If your workplace includes toxic behaviors such as sexual harassment or wage theft, and those behaviors continue even after you communicate your boundaries, you may need to take other actions. Specifically, Tawwab advises that you document misbehavior, reach out to human resources and management (if they’re sympathetic), and consider finding a new job if necessary. For example, suppose you have a manager at work who makes inappropriate comments about your appearance. Even though you’ve talked to him about it, he refuses to listen, and because you need the income from your job, you can’t just stop showing up. In this situation, one option would be to limit your interactions with this manager, asking to be scheduled on different days, and working on separate projects whenever possible.

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I would say pay attention to the things you complain most about. That person who stops by your desk for that super long chat. The, the person who doesn't seem to be listening as you're talking because they're distracted by their phone. So step one is to react a little faster because sometimes with boundaries, we'll let things go on for years. Shortform note: Sometimes, people who repeatedly violate your boundaries do so in an attempt to get a response from you, much like a playground bully. If you’re dealing with a bully, it can be helpful to ignore that person entirely. By refusing to argue or engage, you deny them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve made you upset, which will make them less likely to try the same tactic in the future.) For example, one of the situations given were that someone's father had a drinking problem and consistently is verbally abusive and disruptive when he drinks at family events. The suggestion given was for the son to set the boundary for his father not to drink at family events. I am curious to know what else has been tried - some of which has been discussed in the example - but I would like to know if the father has sought help? Has the family decided that having an alcohol-free event might be helpful to his health, or just not inviting him to these events, and if so, what were the reasons for not employing these strategies instead? Is the father aware and pro-active in suggesting his own behavioural changes or not? How has this worked over time - were there lapses, did they use and discard strategies? Has anyone considered a more drastic boundary (like cutting him off) and what were some considerations and pains to that? Are there any safety issues such as retaliation or escalation of violence? Finally, it was a little confusing as to where one's boundaries end and where dictating another's behaviour begins. Some of the suggestions Tawwab gave were things like stating that someone can only have three drinks. There was no context to this and also, you cannot dictate someone else's behaviour. I was confused as to whether I should head this advice or not before deciding to disregard it completely. It, it actually goes to a really big thing that I wanted to ask you about and talk to you about, which is you give this piece of advice that you cannot change people. However, you can ask that they honor your requests, and if they do not, then you have choices. So, when we sometimes can see the problems, and we want to be able to change the person, how? How do we do that? How do we actually put those into place?

Shortform note: It’s important to recognize the distinction between boundary violations that occur naturally as part of an adjustment process, and violations that occur because the other person doesn’t respect your boundaries. When someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they’ll bring the subject up again and again, questioning and arguing about your needs. On the other hand, when someone simply slips up, they’ll tend to react more apologetically, recognizing their own mistake.) Finally, Tawwab notes that you should decide in advance what to do if someone continues to violate your stated boundaries. This may include consequences. Consequences can feel mean, but they often help others to understand that you’re serious about your boundaries. And, even if others choose not to adjust to your boundaries, consequences can also protect you from further harm and discomfort.Shortform note: If you’re struggling to decide whether to remove someone from your life, experts recommend considering whether interacting with someone makes you happy. If interacting with someone consistently leaves you feeling unhappy and uncomfortable, it’s probably not worth continuing the relationship.) In addition to the three negative communication patterns Tawwab outlines, some authors list a fourth negative pattern: passive communication. Passive communicators usually don’t see their own needs as important. Because of this, passive communicators almost never share their needs with others. Instead, they prefer to focus on meeting the needs of others in their relationships. Tawwab debuts with a comprehensive guide on how to understand and establish interpersonal boundaries….She identifies six types of boundaries—physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, material, and time—and dispenses tips on how to uphold personal limits….Readers who follow Tawwab on social media and those who find setting boundaries especially difficult will appreciate the advice.” Can you define enmeshment for us? Just ‘cause it's a term that I had never heard before I read your book.